AceShowbiz - Hayden Panettiere has opened up in her debut memoir, This Is Me: A Reckoning, about the first time her ex-boyfriend, Brian Hickerson, became physically abusive toward her. The actress, 36, described the moment in vivid detail, sharing the emotional and physical impact of the incident.

In the book, released on Tuesday, May 19, Panettiere wrote, “I hear it before I feel it, the unmistakable sound of an open-hand slap. There’s the burning on my cheek, like I’m on fire. There’s ringing in my head.” She recounted that before the slap, Hickerson had been screaming in her face with a rage unlike anything she had ever witnessed.

During the confrontation, Panettiere grabbed a paring knife but ultimately threw it aside before he struck her. She reflected on the shock and denial she felt, writing, “None of it happened, at least for me. If I think about it, it’s real. But it wasn’t real. I can play tough and will it away and it’s gone. Buck it up, then wipe it off the whiteboard and delete it from the tapes. I love this man and this wasn’t him. It couldn’t have been him, not in a million years.”

Following this initial assault, the violence escalated. Panettiere described how “the slaps become hits.” She recounted nights where Hickerson caused severe facial injuries that kept her confined at home for weeks. On one occasion, he reportedly screamed at her to run as far as she could in five seconds before he threw a remote control at her. She believed Hickerson never missed his target.

Panettiere and Hickerson’s relationship began publicly in 2018. The following year, Hickerson was arrested after an alleged domestic violence incident involving the actress. He faced felony domestic violence charges and was ordered to stay away from her. Those charges were eventually dropped, but the legal troubles continued.

In 2020, Hickerson was arrested again after another domestic violence altercation with Panettiere. He served 33 days in prison, was placed on four years of probation, and fined $500. Throughout this time, Panettiere said her friends and family expressed concern that she was “in a dangerous situation.”

Despite the abuse, Panettiere admitted that what she never shared with her loved ones was how the abuse “didn’t feel as bad as the thought of being alone.” This heartbreaking admission highlights the complex emotions victims often endure in abusive relationships.

In the lead-up to the memoir’s release, Hickerson commented to TMZ that he and Panettiere now share “a mutual respect thing” and called themselves “good buddies.” He praised This Is Me as an “incredible” read but noted there was one story he requested to be left out. That story involved him threatening to throw a phone at Panettiere while she stood across the room, telling her she had “10 seconds to run as fast as you can.”

Panettiere also reflected on her ordeal in a recent Us Weekly cover story, describing her experience as “brutal,” “traumatic,” and “emotional.” She stressed the importance of telling her story accurately and said she needed to believe it happened “for a reason.”

She continued, “For something so horrible to happen, the only thing that I could think of to make it all worth it, was [to] let people know that they’re not alone and help people.” This message of solidarity and support is a central theme of her memoir.

This Is Me: A Reckoning is now available to the public.