AceShowbiz - Sia Furler has struggled with “very intrusive” thoughts about suicide.
The "Chandelier" hitmaker admitted many of the tracks she wrote for the soundtrack to her movie "Music" were "pep letters" to herself urging her to "stay alive" because she had been struggling with her mental health.
She said, "I was having such a hard time just being alive, and the cyclical, ruminative thoughts of killing myself were very intrusive. I think a lot of the songs were pep letters to myself, 'You could do it one more day, you're going to conquer this, stay alive.' "
The 45-year-old singer - who has changed medication and been diagnosed with complex PTSD - has been sober since 2010 and admitted she doesn't get a thrill from being onstage anymore.
Asked if she gets a buzz from performing, she said, "No! I only did when I was drinking . . . without it I was very anxious and shy."
"I'm not there going, 'Helloooooo, Bangkok!' or 'I love you, Argentina-aaaaaaa!' I've seen performers who say the same lines every time in between songs, and I think that is kind of fraudulent."
Sia famously appears in public with her face covered, usually by a huge wig, which she does because she never wanted to be in the spotlight.
She told Sunday Times Culture magazine, "I didn't want to be a pop star. I thought, 'Maybe this is going to be a way I can still be a successful artist, but not be a famous person.' "
Although the "Elastic Heart" hitmaker made her name as a songwriter, she admitted she thinks some of the tracks she's given to other artists are "absolute s**t" but she's thankful for the money she earns from them.
She said, "There are at least three songs I think are absolute s***, but that have literally bought me swimming pools and floorboards from France."